Have a Fantastic Period
by Emiliana Keladry
Summary: Chakotay and the other males find out what happens when cycles align and men’s deadliest enemy takes over the ship; women with hormones.
1. Chapter 1

**Have a Fantastic Period**

Chakotay and the other males find out what happens when cycles align and men's deadliest enemy takes over the ship; women with hormones.

_By Emiliana Keladry_

**Disclaimer:** Star Trek- Voyager isn't mine, sadly.

**Author's note:** This story was the thoughtfulness of me and my best friend. It's slightly based on "Have a Fantastic Period", part of the british comedy Red Dwarf, which you can look up on youtube. Enjoy!

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Captain Kathryn Janeway sat at her desk, drinking a hot cup of black coffee and reading through the most recent status report. They were traveling through a quite uneventful part of space, which didn't help her mood. It was… that time of the month. The calendar was giving her that evil look again. She groaned, not enjoying the tightness in her stomach and her head was pounding. It was almost time to go to the Doctor for some medicine to make her feel better. Sometimes she hated being a woman. The door chimed and she wished that she could throw something at the door to make the person go away.

"Come in," she snapped, trying to keep the edge out of her voice and failing.

Chakotay came in with a smile on his face and a report in his hand. "Read anything interesting? You look bored," he laughed.

"I'm not."

"I brought you the reports from Engineering. B'Elanna wasn't in the best mood and I volunteered to bring them to you."

Kathryn put out her hand, not bothering to stand up. Chakotay handed it to her, not sure what to think. His captain didn't look well. He stood before her for another minute before she looked up at him with a frown on her face.

"Is there something else I can help you with?" she hissed.

"No. Is something bothering you, Kathryn?"

"No," Captain Janeway growled. "You're dismissed."

The commander quickly exited the Ready Room and halted at Tuvok's station. He rubbed his hand on his chin, getting the Vulcan's attention. He paused what he was doing, giving one momentary look towards the Captain's location. Chakotay glanced around the Bridge, deciding to keep his voice low.

"Have you noticed anything strange today?"

"Commander, time has aligned the cycles. You must tread carefully," Tuvok responded, keeping his eyes on his console.

"What cycles?" Chakotay asked.

"Menstruation, bleeding, period, in the rag, get the red gift, mother nature, God's curse, the red death, the dot, manhood's death, the monthly, monthlies, one's friend, a visit from Aunt Flo—"

"I get it," the man interrupted. "Does this mean that every female on the ship is experiencing this all at the same time?"

"Evidentially," Tuvok stated.

"Should I go to red alert?"

The Vulcan simply raised one eye-brow in response, causing Chakotay to smile.

"I would suggest that you be cautious."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

Chakotay returned to his chair, giving a glance towards where the Captain was hiding. If every female on the ship was experiencing the same thing… this could be a danger to the crew. Well, a danger to all males on Voyager. The turbo lift opened and there was the sound of a groan. Turning, Chakotay saw Harry enter the bridge. His face was pale and he didn't look well. Ensign Kim went over to his station and went to work. Chakotay went back to his work, considering asking Harry if he needed to go to sickbay. He didn't get the chance for there was a loud thump as Harry collapsed.

"Harry!" Chakotay exclaimed, hurrying over to him.

He groaned, his eyes rolling his eyes back into his head.

"Chakotay to sickbay, medical emergency on the bridge! We need to transport Harry to sickbay immediately."

There was a blue light and Harry disappeared.

"Tuvok, you have the bridge," Chakotay ordered, getting into the turbo lift.

Chakotay made his way quickly to sickbay. He walked past a female crewmember in an argument and another female crying. Upon entering sickbay he found the Doctor scanning Harry. The ensign was sitting up and puking into a bowl. The Doctor motioned for Chakotay to stay back, patting his patient on the shoulder once before leaving the force field.

"It appears that he's contracted the stomach flu. I treated Naomi Wildman for the same thing this morning. He'll be fine in a few hours. I inoculated Samantha Wildman, but I didn't know that someone else had contact with Naomi this morning. It appears that Ensign Kim had breakfast with her. Scrambled eggs and pancakes to be exact."

Chakotay grimaced at the thought. "Should we inoculate the rest of the crew?"

"I can have something prepared in a little bit if you thinks it's that big of a deal. I can contact Captain Janeway for her opinion on the matter."

The first officer thought about this for a moment. Kathryn was already angry and this would not improve her mood to know of a minor health risk for her crew, especially one that would leave them staring at their breakfast again.

"Doctor… I don't think that this is a good time to let the Captain know about this… she's having a certain problem," Chakotay muttered.

"Menstruation," the Doctor said plainly.

Harry spit out the water he'd been drinking to clean his mouth out. It sprayed all down his shirt. Now he smelled like vomit and he had water everywhere. The Doctor fetched a towel for the ensign and walked back over to Chakotay, putting a smile on his face.

"It's a completely natural part of life… well, for women it's natural. If you had the same problem, I'd be worried. I'm guessing that Tuvok informed you that all the females on the ship have aligned cycles. It happens when women remain together for extended periods of time. It can just take a while for them to line up."

"Is there anything I can do to make her less unhappy?" the man asked.

"I've actually been studying females and their anatomy. I've developed a holodeck program that will inform males not to treat a woman during her 'monthlies'. It would be wonderful if I could test it on the males of Voyager. They could surely benefit from this lesson before I end up with several male patients suffering from hormone attacks from B'Elanna or other members of the crew. I'd be very willing to share my insights," the Doctor exclaimed.

"That sounds like a great plan Doctor, thank you. What program is it?"

"It's EMH Alpha One. Make sure you recommend it to every crew member in need!"

Chakotay grinned. "I will, thanks Doctor." He walked a few steps closer to Harry, noting that his face was still pale and his lips had a greenish tinge. The commander was grateful that the smell was contained by the force field. "Feel better Harry."

"Thanks Commander, good luck dealing with the Captain," Mr. Kim responded, looking like he was going to be sick again.

"I'll need it. See you later Doc."

The commander exited sickbay, feeling a little bit better about what the day would bring. He went straight to the holodeck and planned on warning his fellow males before things got worse. In sickbay, the Doctor put down the force field and took the puke bowl to be cleaned. Harry wiped the make-up off his face, grinning at the Doctor. The two bustled around the room, leaving out different medical equipment and bandages. Everything was falling into place with their plan.

"Nice work Mr. Kim," the Doctor complimented. "You almost even tricked me."

"Thanks Doc. Next time, don't talk about scrambled eggs and pancakes in puke… that almost made me actually sick."

"It's time for stage two… Operation Have a Fantastic Period."

**To be continued...**

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_Thanks! Please review!_

_Emma_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Voyager, but I do like to play with them. :)**

Author's note: Thank you for the wonderful reviews! Please enjoy the conclusion! I hope it makes you laugh.

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**Chapter 2**

Kathryn quickly walked down the corridor, taking a sip of her third cup of coffee. She'd decided to have lunch in the mess hall and found it was quite a strange experience. It appeared as if the entire crew had segregated. Women sat on one side of the room and men on the other. Crewman Elizabeth tried to talk to Ensign Mark and he jumped up in shock, spilling coffee on his uniform and apologizing for nothing. She proceeded to roll her eyes and then almost cried. It seemed like she wasn't the only person not having a good day. The Doctor had minimized her symptoms, but the mood swings remained. She just wanted this day to be over.

The doors to her ready room opened and she almost dropped her coffee in shock. Chakotay was standing in front of her desk, holding yellow roses and a box of chocolate. Above his head was a large banner, with four words written in a bold font. HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD. Kathryn stepped into the room, letting the door close behind her.

"What are you doing?"

"I wanted to cheer up you because you're on your…" Chakotay stopped and pointed to the word period on the banner.

Anger boiled under the skin as she looked at the ridiculous sign. Chakotay handed her the flowers and the box of chocolates. She took them trying to keep from chucking them at him.

"Thank goodness for the Doctor. I would have made such a fool of myself."

Kathryn pursed her lips as she watched the commander picked up a small box with a lid. He opened it and held up a tampon with a pink bow on it with one hand. With the other hand, he held up a feminine napkin with a pink bow.

"I brought you a gift. I wasn't sure if you were a tampon or pad girl so I brought both," Chakotay announced with a grin on his face.

The captain clenched her fists at her side, not moving towards him to take the offered items.

"Well, go ahead and try them on. Maybe you could do a little twirl in them."

Janeway took a deep breath before speaking. "Chakotay… let me put this as delicately as possible."

"Is something wrong?"

Chakotay took one look at the expression on her face and his smile fell. "He set me up. This is absolutely not how you're supposed to treat a woman while she's on her--!" He pointed to the word period again.

She nodded slowly.

"Is the banner wrong too?"

Kathryn nodded again, not hiding her anger anymore.

"He was lying," Chakotay muttered. "I've been out-smarted by a hologram. Captain, I'm so sorry about all of this."

He attempted to walk towards her, realizing that he was still holding the tampon and pad. Chakotay quickly dropped them on the floor as red stained his cheeks. He picked them up again and put them in his pocket to hide them from her sight. Kathryn didn't look pleased, which was the understatement of the year. The man stepped towards her, putting out her hands to touch her shoulders to calm her down. Kathryn backed up.

"Where is the Doctor now?" she demanded to know.

"He's probably in sickbay."

"I'd like to have a few words with him."

"Are you sure? I suspect that these next few days are quite special to you. Don't you want to be playing tennis in tight white jeans? I wouldn't want to stop you from doing that." Chakotay asked.

That was the tipping point. Kathryn began hitting Chakotay with the roses, as he protected his face with his arm. He apologized, but the hormonal woman wasn't listening. She was past the point of no return. Chakotay managed to get away and ducked underneath her desk. He popped up to say sorry again and was hit in forehead with the box of chocolates. The pain stunned him for a moment. Putting a hand to his forehead, he felt the blood trickling down. Kathryn had begun to take apart the bouquet and throw individual roses at him. Chakotay jumped to his feet, ducked a thorn stem and ran out of the ready room. He rushed into the turbo lift, ignoring Tuvok's slight frown and ordered the turbo lift to sickbay.

Twenty minutes later, Chakotay finally entered sickbay. Each time he had told the lift to take him to sickbay it stopped on a different deck. Three other males had joined him at this point with injuries, no doubt inflicted by female crewmembers. Eventually they had crawled through a Jeffery's tube to get to sickbay. Upon the doors opening, Chakotay stared at a room full of injured men. Tom and Neelix were attempting to stop the bleeding on two different victims.

"What's going on in here?" Chakotay inquired.

"Take a number," Tom suggested, pointing him to an open chair.

"Where's the Doctor?"

"No one knows. Try asking the computer."

Chakotay frowned. "Computer, locate the Emergency Medical Hologram."

"Have a Fantastic Period," the computer responded in a snippy voice.

All of the men in the room groaned. It suddenly appeared that he hadn't been the only one to be misled by the EMH. He'd tricked all of the males on the crew. Wait… all but Tuvok and Ensign Harry. Harry was sick with the stomach flu in his quarters.

"Chakotay to Harry," he called.

There was no response. He didn't dare ask the computer to locate him since it would probably just tell him to have a fantastic… eww. This day was turning out to be horrible for everyone. Neelix came over to him with a dermal regenerator and fixed the cut on his forehead before moving onto the next patient. He stood up and noticed that Tom was favoring his left wrist.

"What happened to you?" Chakotay asked. "Captain Janeway threw a box of chocolates at my head and beat me with the roses I gave her."

"B'Elanna didn't take my musical song that I wrote her about girls having fun. She fractured a bone in my wrist after she swore that she was going to make me into a woman and then delete all my holo-novels. I didn't even get a chance to give her the teddy bear wearing a tampon for a necklace. She probably would have strangled me with it," Tom grimaced at the mental image.

Chakotay sighed as more males entered with various injuries. Ensign Marks had roses wrapped in his hair and tucked down the front of his uniform. The commander caught him as he staggered and helped him to a bio-bed. Where were all the females?

* * *

Captain Janeway arrived at Holodeck Two and entered, using the Doctor's special password. She stepped into the warm heat from the hot spring. All of the female crew members were relaxing in the water in their swimsuits. Several were sitting under the palm trees and getting massages from oily pool boys. The Doctor was sitting at the piano and stood up when she entered.

"Welcome Captain! Would you like to begin with a massage, a strawberry smoothie, some chocolate, or a dip in the water?" he questioned.

"Let's start with that smoothie," she laughed, smiling at the mastermind.

Harry came over with a tray, dressed in only a pair of white shorts and a tank-top. He handed her a cup, giving her a teasing wink. She gently shoved his shoulder, looking around the relaxed crew.

"How did you convince the others that you weren't helping us?" she asked him, taking a sip of the smoothie.

"The Doctor and I made up a story that I contracted the stomach flu from Naomi. Chakotay fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Enjoy your afternoon. Let me know if I can get you anything." Harry whisked himself away to assist Ensign Wildman with Naomi making a sand-castle.

Kathryn looked around the display, enjoying the sights and smell of chlorine mixed with tropical fruits. She spotted B'Elanna in one area of the hot spring and went over to join her.

She removed her towel and slipped into the warm water beside her friend. "Now this is just perfect."

"I agree," B'Elanna laughed. "I just hope that they don't try to get in here. I set the security protocols to give them a surprise if they attempt to access this room and aren't a female."

The captain laughed, sinking lower into the warmth. "Let's just hope that they don't." She raised her class in a toast. "To us and our periods. This is the one gift they give that I like."

"To menstruation," the woman laughed, tapping her glass.

They relaxed, finishing their drinks and letting the tension leave their bodies. It was the most perfect way to spend an afternoon in the Delta Quadrant. No men and no hassle. After a while, Kathryn began to wonder what exactly the computer would do if the men attempted to enter. Oh well, she didn't care that much.

* * *

Chakotay covered his ears, unable to take the song anymore. Tom couldn't find a way to stop the blaring music and none of the command codes worked on it. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper was blaring all over the ship. It was on repeat and they couldn't get it to stop. He doubted that putting the ship on red alert would stop the noise and it would only upset the women more if they had to leave whatever they were doing.

"Oh girls just wanna have fun!" she sang.

"What did we do to deserve this?" Neelix asked, clearly at odds with why human females did such strange things during this certain 'time of the month'.

"I don't know," Chakotay responded. "Well, I doubt this will stop anytime soon. We'll have to have a talk with the Doctor after this."

"I have a great plan for revenge," Tom suggested.

"Once I can think straight, I wanna hear it. Chakotay to Tuvok."

Tuvok didn't answer. He was sitting on the bridge, meditating with the ear plugs in his ears that B'Elanna had given him as a gift. He hoped that they would use logic and apologize to the computer. It was the only way to get the song to stop, which was his idea. The Vulcan continued with his meditation, grateful that this part of space was uneventful. He doubted the man could take any more.

"Oh well," Chakotay shouted. "I'm sorry I asked."

At the word sorry, the computer stopped playing the music. Tom and Neelix breathed a sigh of relief.

"We better get back to work," the commander ordered. "I don't think we want them to find out we weren't working while they are… indisposed."

The two men nodded and walked away down the corridor. Chakotay rubbed his forehead, fighting the headache forming from this hectic day. He sighed. Well, at least periods only last three to seven days. Seven days? They were doomed. Walking towards the bridge, he realized that Neelix was humming down the corridor. _Oh girls just wanna have fun…_

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**The END**

_Please review! Thanks!_

_Emma_


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